I was a freshman in college when I joined the Church. That was five years ago, but these days I find myself feeling the same eagerness and envy that I felt just before my confirmation. As Easter approached, I was practically aching to receive Christ in the Eucharist after nearly a year of study and prayer.

But, my eagerness soon transformed into envy. During my first Lent, I felt jealous of those I saw receiving the sacrament at Mass while I merely crossed my arms for the blessing. I watched classmates in the communion line, and judged them less worthy: “Lord, does he study or pray more than I do?” or “Why is she able to receive you while I wait here? Do I not desire you above all?” My yearning had become a monstrous jealousy.

Ironically, in the years since my confirmation, I have heard many well-meaning Catholics insist that I am fortunate to have professed the faith as an adult. What they don’t know is that from time to time I still feel envy that Jesus has called so many to follow him from the cradle to the grave. I envy them for the years of childhood faith I will never know. But, the call to follow Jesus is just that: I am to follow, not envy my brother or resent my sister for her calling. I follow Jesus, that is all I am commanded to do. After all, God’s mercy to me has been great, will I be jealous because my Father is generous?

Even so, I know how easy it is to make Jesus just another object of desire for me to covet. This also seems to be the case for the comically eager disciple Peter, whose last words in the gospel are nearly the envious words of Cain from Genesis: “What about him?” Like Peter, I find myself now feeling eager and envious: eager to follow Jesus and receive the sacraments, but envious of those who have followed him more faithfully. Yet, praise be to God, my salvation from the envying and desiring is found in Christ’s last, simple command to our first Pope: “Follow me!”